Your Daily Smile

Absolution Pt. II

Will O'Neill — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:49:26 +0000

Then, when the union-busting lawyers and executives come around, and single me out as the ringleader, I will be all like “Do your worst, you idiots – I’m a gazillionaire.”

And they, just going by the playbook, won’t even pay attention to what I just said, and they’ll be all like “You will be fired and have no money and all your children will grow up to be car thieves!”

And I’ll be all like “You are stupid! I have no children! And this job barely pays anything anyways! I’ll tell you what: I want to hire you right now. I will pay 500k a year and you will get full benefits. Do you accept?”

And the guy will be all like “Oh my God! I do accept! I accept!”

And I will be all like “OK, your new job starts in five seconds, ready?!” He would confirm, and then in six seconds I would be like “Bad news: You’re fucking fired!”

And he’d be all like “Oh no! My full benefits!”

Fucking hack rat fucks.

Absolution

Will O'Neill — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:59:46 +0000

Why forgive people you don’t like? If you think about it, you’ve kind of got them right where you want them.

The Best Time

Will O'Neill — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 19:38:47 +0000

What would you do with your time if you were really rich and only wanted to have fun? I would go around getting menial jobs at enormous retailers and attempting to organize unions, just to see the awesome tactics they’d use to break us up.

Capacity: Revised

Will O'Neill — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:00:33 +0000

Have you ever noticed that people only claim to have had enough of things that they haven’t really had?

Speculation

Will O'Neill — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:18:27 +0000

What do you think it’d be like if someone gave up their phone, their postal address, their e-mail, their Facebook profile, and basically tried to get by with nothing but Twitter?

It’d be like getting kicked in the face. Because that’s what I would do to somebody who did that.

OSCAR MANIA

Will O'Neill — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 01:33:51 +0000

Why do we award the rewarded?

Put This In Your Calendar

Will O'Neill — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 23:37:30 +0000

I love when people are really hungover, and they say “Ungghh, I have to go to work today.”

This gives me the opportunity to respond “What do you mean? Don’t you have to go to work everyday, for the rest of your life?”

It seems mean but alcohol is like my son.

The Good Times In Life Never End, Ever.

Will O'Neill — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 05:27:16 +0000

If I was a stand-up comedian and my jokes were about my crazy marriage, this would be my joke:

HUSBAND: The kids are asleep now.

WIFE: They must have learned how to sleep as a reflection of one of the major characteristics of your sexual prowess

Then the husband stomps away, upset at this insult, but then he returns with a new power saw from Canadian Tire.

WIFE: I guess ‘retail therapy’ isn’t just for us ladies!

HUSBAND: Oh honey, I love you even though you are an asshole.

Nobody loves me for being an asshole.

Best of Luck

Will O'Neill — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:14:12 +0000

If you are ever on the Toronto Waterfront, and need immediate assistance...

Simply dial:

Yes, that’s right: 416-973-4885.

Then hit the pound key, I’m sure, and dial extension 784.

Media 2.0

Will O'Neill — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:52:37 +0000

People are always saying that media will just have to catch up to online culture if it wants to survive, but Bob Saget has yet to host America’s Funniest Home Pornos.