Absolution Pt. II

Then, when the union-busting lawyers and executives come around, and single me out as the ringleader, I will be all like “Do your worst, you idiots – I’m a gazillionaire.”

And they, just going by the playbook, won’t even pay attention to what I just said, and they’ll be all like “You will be fired and have no money and all your children will grow up to be car thieves!”

And I’ll be all like “You are stupid!  I have no children!  And this job barely pays anything anyways!  I’ll tell you what: I want to hire you right now. I will pay 500k a year and you will get full benefits. Do you accept?”

And the guy will be all like “Oh my God! I do accept! I accept!”

And I will be all like “OK, your new job starts in five seconds, ready?!” He would confirm, and then in six seconds I would be like “Bad news: You’re fucking fired!”

And he’d be all like “Oh no! My full benefits!”

Fucking hack rat fucks.

Absolution

Why forgive people you don’t like?  If you think about it, you’ve kind of got them right where you want them.

The Best Time

What would you do with your time if you were really rich and only wanted to have fun?  I would go around getting menial jobs at enormous retailers and attempting to organize unions, just to see the awesome tactics they’d use to break us up.

Capacity: Revised

Have you ever noticed that people only claim to have had enough of things that they haven’t really had?

Speculation

What do you think it’d be like if someone gave up their phone, their postal address, their e-mail, their Facebook profile, and basically tried to get by with nothing but Twitter?

It’d be like getting kicked in the face.  Because that’s what I would do to somebody who did that.

OSCAR MANIA

Why do we award the rewarded?

Put This In Your Calendar

I love when people are really hungover, and they say “Ungghh, I have to go to work today.”

This gives me the opportunity to respond “What do you mean?  Don’t you have to go to work everyday, for the rest of your life?”

It seems mean but alcohol is like my son.

The Good Times In Life Never End, Ever.

If I was a stand-up comedian and my jokes were about my crazy marriage, this would be my joke:

HUSBAND: The kids are asleep now.

WIFE: They must have learned how to sleep as a reflection of one of the major characteristics of your sexual prowess

Then the husband stomps away, upset at this insult, but then he returns with a new power saw from Canadian Tire.

WIFE: I guess ‘retail therapy’ isn’t just for us ladies!

HUSBAND: Oh honey, I love you even though you are an asshole.

Nobody loves me for being an asshole.

Best of Luck

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Media 2.0

People are always saying that media will just have to catch up to online culture if it wants to survive, but Bob Saget has yet to host America’s Funniest Home Pornos.